Fun in Homer.

Homer has been my close friends and my destination since we turned into teenie boppers. I was just marinating on all the fun I have had there recently. I went with a close friend down there, we were doing a small electrical job in Anchor Point.

The highlights of the trip were …

• Work in Anchor Point. (Work+Homer..Skeeet!)
• Check into Hotel (Big Pimpin’)
• Dinner at Wasabis (Ribs and Wasabis Mac & Cheese, 5 Homer Beers, view of Kachemak Bay)
• Drinking to excess (a phenomenon directly a result of celebrating not being in Anchorage)
• Saw the Band, Iron Mermaids, perform at Kharacters!!! Hell yeah!!!! These guys and gals rocked out, I immediately became a fan on facebook, the music sounded great! If I knew more about music I would go all into the specific nomenclature a savant would, they are lots of fun and talented. Kharacters was a blast. Shot some pool.
• Breakfast at Duncan House (Eggs Benedict)
• Back Home. (Digestive System on Overload, time for Benefiber and mangoes!)

We were back in Anchorage, 25 hrs. after leaving. (Booooo!) honey do’s enslave me

Highlights of the past in Homer.

• 4th of July 98,00,01,03,04,05,09.(barfing till 05, campfire mesmerized since)
• Seeing a real community, only Cordova, Alaska can compare. (i love CDV)
• Making love at Land’s End with the sliding doors open  with rain and ocean breeze :0)
• Catching Fish (winter kings, butt)
• Feelings of Belonging (Homer is my blankee)
• Mermaid Cafe’s bookstore and 2Sister’s Bakery (Gems)
• Camping by the baseball fields (5-0 and traffic violations)
• Becoming makers of mead (Ring of Fire is my Friar Tuck)
• Liking of country wines (Bear Creek, a classy Alaskan establishment.)
• Bicycling the land (Unmatched thus far)

The bulk of my love’s and I’s ambitions are to move and raise a family in Homer or the area. The evidence of locally inclined residents permeates through the whole town. Children of the area are happy and independent, the products of Homer prove its unique nature when giving a shit is tainted in my hometown by other interests.

Random Thoughts on Haters

Pandora is the ish.

…While listening to my, ‘Lyrical, Maniacal, Confident and Flowin’ Pandora Station, a station riddled with the most lyrically poetic, eloquent and conscious hip-hop artists (Kweli, Beatnuts, J5, Jedi Mind Tricks, Mos Def, Common, Fugees etc……. I thought about the bitch ass Haters out there…..Crazy what thoughts are provoked when I listen to my Traveling Wilburys Station or my Taj Mahal Station, I get fired up baby!

Urbandictionary.com’s #1 Definition for a hater- 1. A person that simply cannot be happy for another person’s success. So rather than be happy they make a point of exposing a flaw in that person.

Haters….Haters…..HATERS…o.k, do I have your attention? You fucking suck, here is why.

Operating as an active person, with good intentions in life, I operate on the belief that if one is going from A to B and it is for the greater good, to remove/handle  any barrier keeping you from reaching B.

Don't hate the mullet.

With that being my standard operating procedure since I stopped smoking pot at 20 years young and decided the roller rink, fish sales, window making budz accountant career path wasn’t working out.

So, I have a good 8 years knowing what  my  main goals  are in life….and I work for them (they include others), which I am achieving and expanding and flexing and playing the game of life like an MC wibble wobbles a turntable. I am wrong, alot. I continually have my foot in my mouth… I love that and I love how I grow because of that.

-If I would have kept track of it, I think the Haters are who commonly get in a ninja’s way of truly living.

8 years of not wanting drama … having someone who is harsh or overcritical or antagonistic in my space or any of my peeps space is a no go. and I being a magnet to it I see who the haters are.

I am getting married….Holly Shit, I have heard some stories, but wow are there  many men (haters) and woman (player haters) out there so fucking jaded. MTFka’ please! Were you perfect in all your life’s blunders?, If you want to be a better human you wouldn’t be a victim. I could give two shits about all the stories you have to scare me you asshole. I also will probably still get laid after the honeymoon and not all men are assholes like you, you son of a bitch.

I work me’ little ass off…..Fuck you man, I will not milk a job, or get paid for something I did not put my exchange in for. You are a criminal that never gets caught, you suck ass bitches.

I have good intentions, naturally…..So don’t hate on me

The women in my family are strong and independent….Disrespecting woman makes me want to bitch slap you…you are a hater. Your justifications breed bloodthirst in the Gladiator in me,  you bastard.

People should Work in Groups/ Teams, they are efficient….Does the world revolve around you?…oh’ you view your coworkers as competition? You are a hater, you make my day lame on occasion with your lazy ass complaints, you are a shit stirrer have no solutions and lessen the value of the group…Who the fuck hired this hater?? Oh…that hater.

DSM claims we are all crazy. Recently I made the book for the zillionth time with my diagnosis of " Natural Remedy Disorder." Crazy how parents are still fooled that these people are pretending to be helping or something.

Children are our future… so wtf is going on??…who is trying to take their brightness away?..haters and pharmaceutical drug pushers and selfish parents and materialism and the junk science of psychiatry and many applications and byproducts of this junk and a poor education system.

Life is beautiful…..I could care less about how the world didn’t hand you a freebie you lazy hater. It aint MTV Cribs up in this bitch.

I tip like a rich person when I get good service…. O.k babe, I may be crazy but think about the local economy, she probably has kids or is a student. “Baby, I have the feelings like you are hating all up on my game”, oh shit, the budget and our goals…sorry babe, your right, 15%, 20%. Right on! (ugh)

I care to improve a situation not lessen its value…. Say what, you complain but have no solution? WTF hater?

I do not twist words or reality to suit some sick, deep-rooted desire to control people and things….. Yes its true, I want people to see with their own eyes, think for themselves and be self-determined. I want others to deal with whats in front of them, not clouded by someone’s fucktified desire to lie and/or alter the perception of something. You are the worst of haters. You cause wars, you break families up, you mislabel and taint peoples perceptions. You SUCK and you are antisocial and your mother hates you. Your viewpoint is better expressed as a recluse talking to himself in a deep forest in a place I will never visit with my sz. 14 XTra Tuf up your ass permanently. Fuck OFF!

Haters!!! Meoowwwww! Ta dow!

Holy Shit I am Pissed….How many of you are the at the effect of haters? The worst times in my life was when I was around haters and player haters alike. Just as you catch yourself acting like your father and go, “fuck that!’, as you should when you catch yourself being a hater. Or Continue to be a vampire poop goblin.

-Yoda’s Yoda

Sarah Palin is the witch from Robin Hood Reincarnated!!!

"I can see Nottingham from my Lair"- S. "witch" Palin

Still putting bloody eggs and bones of Dems and non-believers in bowls to help you tell the future?

I do not endorse Commiedy!

Haven’t you learned anything from your past lives? Morgan Freeman took you out yo’!

On a serious note, you set a really bad example for people that follow for what ever reason people follow.

I voted for you as a young, simpleminded Alaskan male, brainwashed into Blue politics. You let me down, you woke me up.

You tainted the imaginations and viewpoint of others to Alaskans. You acted like the Sopranos and Jesus camp were your guides to Alaskan Politics.

Sorry Grandpap’, Pepto wont help with this beotch, you need some fiber for this one. You should only think of her when the fiber kicks in. I know you like to say, “take a poop”, instead say, “take a palin”,..oh I knew you’d laugh at that one, Gradpap’.

"Like I said man, the bitch was trippin'."-Azeem

You treat Alaska like you are a Pirate and the Earth will end soon. So take what you can. Right?

You are now dead to me for good after showing up to Mr. Hickel’s funeral. You are a sick twisted shit goblin.

Communist? WHo Alaskan Commiedy?.. F off!

If communist means having a worthy mullet and freestyle rapping in the shower, I’m in.

-  Vladimir Putin

I do not endorse Commiedy!!

My dear Queen (my future wife and/or baby’s mama) is of Mother Russia, I often use the stereotype of Russians being communist (a truth to my close minded Grandmother) to suit my top-notch, at home humor in the situation. Situations like being told what to do, bossed around, told to be more financially responsible or  to do the dishes. As well if she dispenses basic human toiletries like one (beer, money, bro time).

Truth is, she is as American as apple pie (pumpkin is better) (get some! you racist bastards its true!). She is independent. She is beautiful. She is the shiznit and more importantly, my Boss Lady.

Note: Boss Lady is a term that originated as a term of endearment that Snoop D O’ Double G uses when mentioning his wife. (the Queen likes it)

I do not think I could be so bold as to say I am funny in terms of comedy (but I will be). But commie-dy, I have down cold (WTF is Commiedy?). I submit to no rules, no shame and pure wickedness, in the most non-literal (and literary) sense.

Why start a blog? Well as some might plan something like this and finally get the nerve to, I figured ,fuck it why not? The Queen Bee has been a fan of many of Alaska’s liberally minded blogs in town. As a fake, non conformist I secretly read the blogs she loves and have noticed (with my mind’s eye) how great they look so decided to start my own account. I have deleted 2 in 2 days. As well we have a desire to bring a local enterprise into being one day, locally inclined and a place where people (Alaskans and visitors) can truly have a experience in terms of laughter and tasting some of the beautiful artists in the Great State. We would have a Rusiocommiedyalaskanagodfatheresk type lounge like atmosphere (with an old Russian Babushka holding a roll of toilet paper and a face covered in smile wrinkles holding up a shot of the finest wodka as our mascot and the worker bees are the act) . One day, we will jam out. (Dont Hate)

-Not only do I endorse Commiedy, but I smoke that shit son'. AhhHaa!

If you are looking for rhyme or reason, rational thought, splendor or seriousness you have come to the right place…. I encourage people with a magic wand to wave it about here. If you have a perfectly composed, eloquent and well-studied post, feel free to post it somewhere else. Proper grammar and being enslaved by the English language (or being smart) is not part of this flavor (it points out that I am dumber than you).

Had something weird happen in Alaska? A shameful experience? Beat up a bully? Humbled by your mistakes? Pissed (not in a psychotic way)?  Peed yourself in public? A local acting out? A politician being bitch made? A wholesome story to tell? Join Alaskan Commiedy, we are not haters.

Much Respect, Alaskan’s Alaskan (he still opens doors for people)

Calling Dr. GreenThumb……Planting Seeds, in life.

Ghost of my Christmas Future without my beautiful, Russian financial advisory/lover. (I have never played World of Warcraft but I sure would have.)

Man it is beautiful out, should be getting a few days off soon. Working indoors on a Sunday is the pits. Makes me want to get all Rastafarian up in this bitch, quit my job and learn to play the acoustic guitar that has been sitting in our living room for 5 years. That would require cashing in the 401K, a not so humorous “threat” or “joke” to the Queen when used as an acknowledgment to our wedding starting to cost a lot of money.

We sure have been planting a lot of personal seeds lately in terms of major steps in life.

Marriage; no prenuptial agreement, full on boom chicka’ wow  woww up in hurr, ya’ feel me? This has been many years in the making. The Queen having a huge network of strong women who I had to prove it to.I am all about this gal.

Its the Queen Bee era, funked out with a gansta' twist.

Then there is the interconnecting of finances, together, yes, together. This has been 5 years in the making, and grow(n)ing. As of 3 direct deposits ago The Queen Bee (Royal Highness of Kicking my Ass.) is now in total control of where my income is distributed. She has brought sane economics into my life. This has been the smartest thing I have ever done.

Soooo, evidently my always considered “old school” nature of always having cash on hand and telling the clerk, “naw darling, you’ve worked hard enough, don’t worry yourself with the receipt”..is not a good way to keep track. Neither is assuming I have never had anything before and now I gots paid.Tools,  Beer, Cigs, Lunch, Coffee, Lots of work boots, extensive itunes library, engagement rings, hiring family members, yogurt almonds, bluray players, big tips and Gold Toe socks are a must babe… Yeah, not so much working for me anymore. The 401k is safe, car payment 3 months early, a loan paid off and what she says, “700 allowance”, which is more of a rounding up approach from 477.77. Either way I am doing good. We are also paying for a 150 person wedding and 2 week honeymoon in AK southeastern islands. She is a baddass chick!

The moment the direct deposit made it into the joint account.

Whatever was in that Susie Orman book musta’ been pretty good.

For she is my Queen.

I am called “blasphemer”, “heretic”, “idiot”, “dumbass”,

“pussy”, “dumbledorff” and worse by some of the many guys that I have told this too. Those guys are d.a s and do not recognize the “game” that That the Grand Pimpstress of Flavah’ has in this brief,  short Game of Life that we so in-eloquently tribibulate through.

We will be social butterflies who bend matter, energy, space and

time at the age of 49.

If fate was left in my hands we would have 1000 Tupperware containers filled with outdated electronics and empty CD cases any time now.

She has finally got me to see that there will be a tomorrow and financial independence is something worth striving for.

- The Dude (Remember Dr. Greenthumb?)

A classic Cypress Hill epic.

shit happens…shameless or humble?

Sorry dad, admitting to being a dumbass is not in my life's plan.

-Once upon a time, when I was a boy in a boy’s body……

I went to school after my cat had peed in my shoes, I was made fun of. PE was the pits.

When my dad shoo d’ our family cat Scruffy off of the bed, Scruffy pooped next to his head after he fell asleep……poop. This was epic.

I got my ass kicked for defending my sister’s honor. I will not be the old guy who continually recounts stories about how he punched a guys light out in ’41,(I hate that) or who talks about all that fine tail he got in the service.

As a student in Los Angeles I puked in a subway car when a stranger saw that I was unintentionally testing my damn’d gag reflexes(my curse) and butted in… So a homeless person covered in invisible poop entered the car (I am about to loose it instantly), the stranger next to me said “hey man, you know what smells are?” I said “what, are they?” He replied, “small particles of what you smelling.” Having an over active imagination, I pictured wee little baby curds entering my nasal passageway. Once I add my imagination into the mix, I puke. People were looking at me like a meth crazed drug addict. The joke is on you, Jamba Juice was my drug in L.A.

I once beer bonged a 40 oz. of Old English….failed

The first time I drank alcohol, I got my head thrown into a home speaker. That night I made asinine comments to a “friend” that he was being dramatic and couldn’t be that drunk…well he was.  Tequila, I learned that night, does not settle well with my friend. He that night, slapped  himself continually, rolled around in a duck pond laughing like a school girl and made out with the prettiest girl in the neighborhood. (huh?..really..how..wt..f…o.k, I will file that under Jerry Springer Episode Worthy)

The first time I smoked pot, I coughed into the can sending the bud flying into deep snow, somewhere. My bros pissedd. It started with them being all proud of this moment, “here man lets smoke our only bowl”, to…”you are the biggest dumb ass we  have ever met”. (..then Stoner Studies, an actually field of study in ’97, the result, a B.A in Bullshitiology (It took years!) w/ emphasis in Excessive Cheefing)

More recent…a poser hippie chick farted in my general direction.(on purpose, had to be..suppose I will tell that one some time.)

…………. Ahhhh, the lessons learned…..Obviously I have not learned how to promote or sell myself in a traditional way. I just do not see the benefit to others of telling all the stories about how I am awesome, nor would I read such things….but know; I am really fucking awesome.

-once a naive Alaskan youth, humbled.

WTF Over?..Of the Week.

Here ye’ here ye’, mutha fuckin‘ court is in session yo’.

Awesome Combo!

This weeks WTF Over? is really just stupid….I wrote a headline and had no subject material to fill it in with,. In addition, I am not even a user of the term, WTF Over?.Nor am I fond of the statements, “another day another dollar”, “same shit, different day”, “put her in her place”, or better yet, “Star Wars is stupid”. WTF Over? will more than likely get renamed to ‘Are U Kidding me you Asshole’? ,because I can.  I am however quite fond of the terms, “ta dow”, “get some”, “yeah baby!”, “killa beez on the set”, “get crunk” and the traditional, “check yo’self foo’”.

So when my time machine is done, I am also ready to rock out the olden days with some,  “right on”, “stop your tomfoolery” (that word, by only existing won me 50 smackeroos once), “geez Loise”, “holy smokes” and ” Gee you Betcha”.

WTF Over?

I fart in your general direction! Alaska style! (why me?)

I am a magnet for weird things to happen.

10 hour workday down, some of the guys live in the Valley. The single one with no children that lives in Anchorage rolls over to this East Anchorage pub after work, once a week lately. It is kind of on the Boundary of town over there…….

Just the guys after work.

…..……so the crew is bitching about work, telling penis and vagina stories or in awe about some  bad ass fishing  story Tater Tot  is telling, talking about how awesome we are when is comes to our Queen Bees (or not awesome) and having a couple of brews; basically we are in our own Lala Land , our Bro Time….

Then…….POP!….some dude had popped this chick in the ass with a wet bar towel. The sound was felt. It was definitely a bleeder. We described what the wound must have looked like as a group, in detail.The chick was pissed. The guy let out a laugh like it was the most awesome and raddest thing he had ever done..

The Juggalo looked like him!! G'damn Biff Tanner!

Well, besides that one time he and his buddies tortured a Ouija board by snorting lines of Ajax off of it cuz “Cheech did it haha ”…or the time he ate a moose turd cause its “only grass, ha ha”. (WHat a Biff!)

As a small group of successful, badass, young , hardworking and Q Alaskans whom respect woman and have unsurpassed  charm and class and literally define the present day meaning of the word, gentleman, we scoped the situation looking for a reason to bitch slap a stupid fucker for acting unbecoming of a gentleman….We were quickly calmed by her laughing and obvious affinity for the taboo, “Hitting a woman” and went back to drinking our beer and talking about the one time we were all playing the sport, Synchronized Barfing after an overzealous attempt to get the town of Cordova Alaska to have 10 shots of Jameson with us last summer.

Well we slowly finished our 2 delicious amber ales and it was time to pay. As I sign my bill at the bar(we had a table), the patchouli and cigarette re-fry smell is all up in my grill……who is it other than the chick whom I have now been marked by!

I love the acronym SBD, its a hoot(toot)

Bartender- “$36.00 .” ( hand my debit card)(The smackee to my left)

Me-  ‘Are you O.K? That sounded like it hurt.”(sincere)

Her-  “Yeah, how would you like it if I had him do it to you?” (Dirty Little Girl)

Me-” No, that is O.K, I am not into pain. “(Good Boy)

Her- “…a little pain never hurt nobody.” (Really Dirty Little Girl)

Me-” Not me, It hurts me and I will pass.” (Sane or something)

…..So our words were through.

Once our brief, emotionless exchange ended, she gave me a look in my eyes. She looked deep into my soul……her mind’s eye was all like, ‘I(her) fucking do not give a shit about what you think,  I will stink palm you……’…

She turns around.. and bam son’….she for real farted in my general direction!!!! Straight up Monte Python style.

Having an over active imagination, I gag (a curse upon me), remember what smells are..small particles of what you’re smelling…(another story, trust me)and OMFG her colon seemed to be filled  with Meth Butter, Natties Ice and something Yoda pooped out back in ’81 (or just straight up nasty ass poopy) .

I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction . Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Of course this did happen to me. You should have been there. To hold my hair back as I lost it.

What the phuck man?… Story of my life?  Bad Karma?  Too opinionated?  No charm?  Not on my social  ‘A Game”’?  Magnetized to unique life experiences? What do you think?

May is happening at our occasional watering hole.  We’ve been there thrice this month.

Dead Landmarks of My Anchorage.

I miss the Space Station and the 101.3 Denali Theater (Bear Tooth actually kills it baby!) But I miss Woolworths the most. My Grandmother introduced me to Woolworths, Imaginarium and Kumogoro’s house fried rice and being a gentleman, she is a saint.

.

I grew up going rollerskating too, as well started in the work world as a Snack Bar specialist at an Anchorage roller rink. (Do you like bicycles?)

Remember South Bowl, where Burlington is? That the Elks Club in Downtown Anchorage had a bowling alley? I tried my first white chocolate Nestle Crunch there, as well became a childhood fan of B.I.F, the “Bowling is Fun” bug mascot.

Remember Whirley Ball and GOTCHA!?…WTF Happened?? I miss you. Not typically dwelling on things I wish I still had, but these were very much liked destination/adventures for me growing up in Anchorage.

4th Avenue Theater…..    WtF?

Lets keep our beloved landmarks alive, if they are dusty, tell the owner.

Roller Rink owners, get new skates…..3 decades of occasional cleaning is nasty, so is the fact that the ice maker shares a space with the employee’s restroom.